Shared Custody & COVID-19 - 7 Guidelines

This content is adapted from a press release issued by Patricia Bernstein of Bernstein & Associates.

SEVEN GUIDELINES FOR PARENTS WHO ARE DIVORCED/SEPARATED AND SHARING CUSTODY OF CHILDREN DURING THE COVID19 PANDEMIC

From the leaders of groups that deal with families in crisis:

Susan Myres, President of American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML)

Dr. Matt Sullivan, President of Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC)

Annette Burns, AAML and Former President of AFCC

Yasmine Mehmet, AAML

Kim Bonuomo, AAML

Nancy Kellman, AAML

Dr. Leslie Drozd, AFCC

Dr. Robin Deutsch, AFCC

Jill Peña, Executive Director of AAML

Peter Salem, Executive Director of AFCC

1. BE HEALTHY.

Comply with all CDC and local and state guidelines and model good behavior for your children with intensive hand washing, wiping down surfaces and other objects that are frequently touched, and maintaining social distancing. This also means BE INFORMED. Stay in touch with the most reliable media sources and avoid the rumor mill on social media.

2. BE MINDFUL.

Be honest about the seriousness of the pandemic but maintain a calm attitude and convey to your children your belief that everything will return to normal in time. Avoid making careless comments in front of the children and exposing them to endless media coverage intended for adults. Don’t leave the news on 24/7, for instance. But, at the same time, encourage your children to ask questions and express their concerns and answer them truthfully at a level that is age-appropriate.

3. BE COMPLIANT

with court orders and custody agreements. As much as possible, try to avoid reinventing the wheel despite the unusual circumstances. The custody agreement or court order exists to prevent endless haggling over the details of timesharing. In some jurisdictions there are even standing orders mandating that, if schools are closed, custody agreements should remain in force as though school were still in session.

4. BE CREATIVE.

At the same time, it would be foolish to expect that nothing will change when people are being advised not to fly and vacation attractions such as amusement parks, museums and entertainment venues are closing all over the US and the world. In addition, some parents will have to work extra hours to help deal with the crisis and other parents may be out of work or working reduced hours for a time. Plans will inevitably have to change. Encourage closeness with the parent who is not going to see the child through shared books, movies, games and FaceTime or Skype.

5. BE TRANSPARENT.

Provide honest information to your co-parent about any suspected or confirmed exposure to the virus, and try to agree on what steps each of you will take to protect the child from exposure. Certainly both parents should be informed at once if the child is exhibiting any possible symptoms of the virus.

6. BE GENEROUS.

Try to provide makeup time to the parent who missed out, if at all possible. Family law judges expect reasonable accommodations when they can be made and will take seriously concerns raised in later filings about parents who are inflexible in highly unusual circumstances.

7. BE UNDERSTANDING.

There is no doubt that the pandemic will pose an economic hardship and lead to lost earnings for many, many parents, both those who are paying child support and those who are receiving child support. The parent who is paying should try to provide something, even if it can’t be the full amount. The parent who is receiving payments should try to be accommodating under these challenging and temporary circumstances. Adversity can become an opportunity for parents to come together and focus on what is best for the child. For many children, the strange days of the pandemic will leave vivid memories. It’s important for every child to know and remember that both parents did everything they could to explain what was happening and to keep their child safe.

Shared Parenting and Co-Parenting

Both shared parenting and co-parenting are methods that Indiana parents living in separate homes use to put the welfare of their kids first. Generally, both terms can meet an equal split of parenting time between parents, but it can be something different such as a 60/40 split. Shared parenting time does refer to where the parents trade off having the children in their homes. This approach helps parents and children in many ways.

Scheduling

Shared parenting is helpful to kids because it provides stability and predictability. Kids are pretty tough, but having parents in separate homes may cause anxiety. A set schedule helps to relieve this stress. It is also essential to come up with a plan that allows the kids to do well in school - this means that older children should have input into what school they attend. Parents should consider whether it is best to transition between homes during the school-week or over the weekend.

Communication

In a co-parenting relationship, like any relationship, communication is important. Find a method that works well for you and your co-parent; it could be email, phone, or text. While having a co-parenting schedule eliminates the need for communication regarding scheduling, additional discussion about extracurricular activities, education, healthcare, and discipline must occur. You’ll also need work-out vacations and coverage for work trips. Sometimes it will be helpful to have a parent meeting where both parents and the kids all get together. These meetings go a long way towards establishing a strong communication basis despite separate homes. Healthy communication helps to avoid situations where a child gets stuck in the middle of the two parents, or worse, uses a lack of communication against one parent or the other.

Transitions Between Homes

In most cases, we find a week-on/week-off schedule works well for most parents. It ensures an equal split to parenting time. If transitions occur on weekends, it also avoids interruption to the school week. While a week may seem like a long time (and it is!), technology like Facetime and text messages can help you stay connected to your kids daily – but don’t overdo it! It is important to encourage your kids to keep in touch with both parents – regardless of what home they are sleeping in that night, but the children should not feel obligated to multiple calls/texts each day.

Be Flexible

Finally, it is vital to remain flexible with your co-parent. You both will have times when you may request some extra time with the kids for a vacation, or perhaps ask for help if you have a work trip or other commitment. When you take a collaborative approach to these situations, everybody wins. In the long run, the parenting time will even out. Don’t get in the habit of counting hours.

For most parents and kids working through issues around parenting time, a co-parenting or shared parenting plan can alleviate many problems. It provides the foundation for how you can approach time with your kids, provides stability, and eliminates ambiguity.

Dividing Assets with guest Rebecca Gill

This month, we welcome back Rebecca Gill of Dunlap Gill Wealth Management to discuss dividing assets during a divorce.

We work closely with Rebecca and her team on a Collaborative Practice Model. This process relies on mediation and negotiation to reach a divorce agreement. The collaborative approach is a great way to save time and money, while both parties seek to resolve the process without the intrusion of court-room litigation and judges. Most mediators and attorneys trained in Collaborative Practice describe it as a "problem solving" approach. A traditional litigation model is better described as a "fight and win" process.

The Collaborative Practice Model is a good fit if the parties would like to resolve the divorce amicably. The model is not a good fit if there are concerns about dishonest behavior.

At Carmel Family Law, we work with Dunlap Gill on many cases in and around Indianapolis, Indiana. Dunlap Gill serves as a neutral partner in the process. They help to create a clear picture of the assets to be divided.

The first step in the process is to collect all relevant information. Generally, this process begins with the tax returns but will include a detailed list of all assets. The first phase of the process is complete once Dunlap Gill has created a comprehensive financial statement that encompasses all of the household assets. This statement includes projections about how assets will change into the future for items like real-estate, 401Ks, pensions, etc.

Next, Dunlap Gill works with both parties to review the division plan. The goal is to create a division of assets that is a "win-win" for both parties. Dunlap Gill helps the spouses build short-term and long-term household budgets. Developing a clear household budget is essential because spouses must have reasonable expectations about the post-decree lifestyles.

With the financial statements and household budgets in place, Dunlap Gill offers advice on division scenarios. Understanding the tax implications of the division is an essential step in the process.

In the end, having the services of Dunlap Gill, or a different financial adviser is extremely helpful in a collaborative process. They serve as an independent expert to advise both parties on the short and long-term implications of the division.

Guest Blog! Michelle Gambs | Perfect Parenting - Stay Away from "D"

A big thank-you to Michelle Gambs for guest writing this post on our blog. Michelle is a local parenting coach and private practice psychotherapist with a master’s degree in counseling.

-Janice

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In our modern world of social media and perfectionism, parents everywhere are looking for a way to become a better parent. 

Parenting is complex to say the least, so if you’re looking for some relief from this difficult and at times, seemingly impossible job, here it is!

It’s a concept that I call, Stay Away From “D” and it’s a message that I want all parents to know about.

The following article is an excerpt from my 5-week parenting course on Redirecting Children’s Behavior.

I’ve published a video explaining the concept you can watch below.

The concept gives you permission to be human, make mistakes and to find comfort and relief in the fact that you do not have to be perfect!

Nor should you strive to be. 

So what does it mean to Stay Away From “D”?

Well, it is a very simple concept that gives 4 basic options to any situation that we may encounter as we parent our children. 

Here’s the 4 scenarios. 

A- Best Case Scenario

Is the best-case, textbook scenario.  

It’s the one that might seem perfect for the situation at hand. 

And in order to use this you have to have the tools in your toolbox so you can implement this option. 

So if you have the time, patience and resources. 

B- The Good Enough Option

Here is where you give yourself a break!

In every day life, this is the scenario where you say to yourself, “this is all I got” right now.

Given that I am low on sleep, behind at work or school, and I have a barking dog in the background while I’m trying to cook dinner… I just cannot handle it right now.  

So I’m just going to do my best and not beat myself up over it. 

C- Do No Harm

Is the option where you choose to remove yourself from the situation because you just need a break. 

You need time to regain your composure!

Perhaps something happened and you feel that you may react inappropriately or do something that may have lasting negative consequences so you just need to take a break from it all.

Remember that you’re 100% responsible for what you say and what you do no matter what is said or done to me. 

 D- Harm To Your Child

This is the scenario where you have found yourself in a situation where you may hurt, shame, yell, or otherwise cause permanent emotional or physical damage to your child. 

This is the one option out of the 4 that you should do whatever it takes, to avoid at ALL costs!

Stay away from option “D” which is causing harm to your child!

So next time you find yourself in a difficult position, remember to engage in any of the options, except D. 

If you stay within options A, B, or C, you are doing a great job at parenting and that’s all anyone can ask for. 

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Michelle Gambs is a parenting coach and private practice psychotherapist with a masters degree in counseling. She calls herself a Hoosier Texan as she has spent her childhood in Indiana with a degree from Notre Dame, and ten years of her adulthood as a Texan. She is a yogi/camino walkin’ mother of two fabulous young adults.

She teaches an Indianapolis based 5-week parenting course titled “Redirecting Children’s Behavior”.

The grand experiment of parenting is sponsored by her two children, Grace and Charlie. During the most desperate stages of parenting, she has been known to post on the bathroom mirror the quote, “I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.”

Michelle is also the host of a popular parenting podcast, called ParentED and can be found on Youtube.

P.A.R.T.I.N.G - 7 Things to remember if you are thinking about divorce

If you are considering a divorce, rest assured, you are not alone. If you are having trouble making the decision, rest assured, you are not alone. The decision to separate and divorce should is not one to make hastily. It demands careful consideration to make sure the decision is the right one. Even when the divorce is forced upon you, you must take the appropriate time to consider your future. 

Here are seven things to consider:

P is for Parenting 

Parents are always concerned about the effect of divorce on the children. Each family is different. Mostly, parents are the best resources for determining what’s best for the kids—even when adjusting to separation and divorce. When making custody and parenting time decisions, the Court will consider such things as 

• the age and sex of the children

• their adjustment to the home and community

• the wishes of the parents

• the wishes of the children (with more weight given to children 14 years or older)

• relationships with extended family members

• healthcare concerns

• the parent-child relationship

• history of domestic violence

• any “de facto” guardians

A is for Action

The divorce starts with the filing of a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage. There is a filing fee, and Indiana divorce law requires a minimum waiting period of 60 days. If you and your spouse can resolve all issues via negotiation and/or mediation, it’s possible to finish in 60 days. Divorces that require a judge to make decisions take much longer. The provisional/preliminary phase is the time between the filing of the dissolution and the final Decree. This is the time when you need to address big questions and resolve them by agreement or court order.

• Who will live where?

• Who will pay what bills?

• How will the household be supported to maintain stability for the children?

R is for Relationships with Professionals

The right team around you makes all the difference. Choose professionals you are comfortable with. You must have attorneys, therapists, counselors, and financial advisors that you are comfortable with. Pick people that have excellent reputations, but also make sure you can communicate and connect with your team. Choose people who are willing to listen to you and consider your concerns carefully.

T is for Timing

On one hand, timing is everything, Is this the right time? This is a question that is asked of me again and again. Timing may be a matter of personal circumstances—like holidays and anniversaries or children’s upcoming events. It can also be a matter of financial circumstances—like income changes, asset appreciation or depreciation, or changes in employment. 

On the other hand, you may not have the luxury of choosing the right time. You may be in a situation where your spouse has filed. Perhaps he or she has committed an act that requires an immediate divorce. You can still successfully negotiate the process. You must have a lawyer who can help to guide you through the emotional adjustment process as well as the “business” of asset and debt division. 

I is for Income

Indiana follows an “income shares model” in the calculation of child support. Gross income, including regular income, bonuses, commissions, car allowances, housing allowances, and perhaps even regular gifts are a part of gross income for child support purposes. If a party is unemployed or underemployed, his or her potential income can be considered. The Court will consider educational and employment background, availability of jobs, and potential income levels in determining the income imputed to an underemployed.

N is for Next Steps after filing the Petition for Dissolution 

Be prepared. Consider potential living arrangements and potential employment or employment changes. Gather financial documents, records, and tax returns for the previous two (2) years. Carefully review files and information to make sure you have accounted for all retirement accounts and life insurance policies. Finally, inventory assets with value such as paintings, coin collections, and jewelry. 

G is for Growth

You may not see it, but at the end of the dissolution process is the potential for personal and professional growth. In addition to your improvement, you will be amazed at your ability to achieve balanced and successful parenting. Believe in yourself! Believe that you will be better! Do not be content to accept your lot in life! Instead, be ready to take steps into a new future.